I am grateful that these first 25 years of pastoral ministry have afforded me ample opportunities to be a part of people’s lives in times of joy and tragedy, monotony and transformation. One such opportunity has been marital counseling (beforehand, during, and, yes, afterward) and aiding familial relationships.
Here are some practical and spiritual basics for building a healthy relationship, some of which I draw upon during confidential pastoral counseling with couples from all ages, stages, and walks of life. I offer these insights to you and yours free of charge and in no particular order. Enjoy!
Common denominators matter. When picking a mate, aim for common denominators that are important to you. No two people are exactly alike — vive la différence! — yet it sure helps to have as many things in common with your mate as possible, which in turn enables the overcoming of life’s challenges which may (and do) arise.
Communicate, communicate, communicate. Communication is the key to a healthy and meaningful relationship. Express yourself. Share with your beloved what you need to have understood. Ask your companion, “How are you?” and then listen to what is said (and for what is withheld). Turn off the distractions and make the effort to listen.
Do not let the sun go down on your anger. (Ephesians 4: 26) This is really good advice. Before going to sleep at night make sure to resolve all disputes, jealousies, and problems so that when you wake up the next morning it is truly a new day and everyone gets a fresh start. Practice daily the art of forgiveness. Accept the hard reality that your way is not always the right or only way. Besides, would you rather be right or reconciled?
Accept each other as is. The only person you can change in the world is (drum roll, please) yourself. Allow God’s transforming power to go to work in your soul, and one day you may witness your mate growing and evolving as well.
Have something bigger than yourselves in your home. Honestly, my friends, evening meals are really boring for families who have nothing to talk about except work, kids, and TV. Connect your family to God and a local faith community. Start now; don’t wait until some magical, mythical point in the distant future. Tithe your talent, treasure and time to the faith community in which you are participating, and I can promise you that you will reap what you sow.
Pick your battles. Life is too short and precious to be spent bickering or complaining or whining. Decide together to not fight or argue about every little thing. Choose what really matters, and then let go of the rest.
Intimacy and sex are wonderful gifts of God. Be faithful; practice fidelity. Sex is not something to be used as a weapon; it isn’t meant to be a bargaining chip. You should be able to ask your mate for whatever your heart, body and soul desires. At the same time, whenever you do ask, make sure you are prepared to respect your mate’s decision and response, regardless of whether the answer is yes, no, or maybe later. Human sensuality and sexual intimacy are divine gifts which feel good and can sustain affection, create new life, heal hurts, heighten closeness, and enable reconciliation.
Make a financial plan and then stick to it. Money issues are a major source of strife for many couples. Again, communicate with one another. You have heard it said, “Plan your work and then work your plan.” Talk it out and work together to cope with whatever financial issues you may be encountering. Keep your tithe alive no matter what because giving to charity is a tangible response to grace and a daily reminder that we are blessed by a providential God and bound to one another.
Have fun. Go out at least once a month as a couple. Laugh, love, and dance to the music of life.
As always, First Christian Church of Decatur, I am delighted to be your pastor.
Shalom, James Brewer-Calvert